Aquaman isn't unlike that girl you went to high school with--you know, the one gobbled up more nuts than Chip 'n Dale before a Minnesota winter--see, Aquaman is sort of like that. Not because he's easier to lay than cabinet liner, but because he had to hit rock bottom just to get a modicum of attention.

Here's the deal: Aquaman lost his hand from a school of piranhas, which carries with it a certain level of "wtf?" since Aquaman's main power is communicating with fish. Talk about a letdown. That's like going to a Buckner & Garcia concert and them refusing to perform "Pac Man Fever." Anyway, he lost his hand, ditched the underoos, and went shirtless with two-toned scaly pants and some shoulder-armor (more on that below). Nothing screams "heroism" like handless man in scaly pants.

Good job, Aquatard.

I debated making this guy since I really love the ol' orange and green togs, but I guess whimsy just got the best of me. I always thought the half-a-shoulder-pad look was one of those 90's excesses of stupidity that infected Aquaman's visual redesign (although Peter David owns your mom when it comes to making boring characters interesting). I really don't understand why you'd run around with half of your body armored anyway. What's the logic in that? I mean, that'd be like making policemen's bullet proof vests with a secret hole in the middle--like you're giving a gunman incentive or something? What the hell, man? It's not freaking Plinko.

Anyway, the Plinko armor had to go, so I settled for a half-assed attempt to make Arthur here look sort of like he did in the JL-toon. No neck-medallion, though--I'll leave that to Leisure Suit Larry. It's not like Arthur will be visiting Lost Wages anytime soon anyways. Which reminds me...I should totally be playing Leisure Suit Larry right now.

I started with a McGL and an McAquaman head, who had that great 90's scowl from when Aquaman realized how bad he sucked. From there, I slapped on Captain Marvel braces and made a spear-thingie from a spare trident, which, by the way, prevents cavities (four out of five dentists agree--I think the fifth one is Black Manta in disguise).

Magic-Sculpt makes the cape overlay, and the cape itself is from a DCD Kingdom Come Green Lantern. A rubber band and vinyl make the belt accoutrements.

Then I used Kneadatite to sculpt on the flowy hair and beard, and then I had to stand back and be all, "Whoa. It's pissed-off Blonde Jesus. With a spear-hand. And a green beard." Inspired by his surly visage, I quickly made a velvet painting and frosted candle holder of his image and sold it to the proprietors of The Neato Burrito down the street for a bowl of queso blanco and the #8 combo, no beans, double rice.

He is swimmin'.

He is swimmin', indeed.

Amen.